Here I am this morning, about to write a post. I’m not even sure what I’d like to write. But it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so, I’d like to get some thoughts out if I can.

I’ve been so… tired lately. Emotionally and mentally drained. It feels difficult to put any of it into words to be honest.

Before anything else - here is a song:

Jobs

I hate talking about this in any capacity. It’s so depressing. I recently gave an update in which I’d mentioned that I had a few interviews that seemed to go well, and was just waiting to hear back.

I’m still waiting to hear back. The first week of waiting was filled with intense panic and anxiety, and even leading into the second week - that feeling remained. Now it’s just the depressing feeling of the unknown. I was informed that the department may take some time to respond, but would tell me either way. I’m not so sure, but who knows.

Regardless - I’ve felt more than useless.

College of Charleston

One of the other positions I interviewed for, and felt I had a good chance at, was Developer position at CofC. I was denied on the basis of a lack of Linux. Admittedly, I don’t use Linux often / much.

I was introduced to Linux for network security in 2018/2019 and used it rather extensively then (Ubuntu), and have since used a WSL/Ubunutu virtual image to do various things including getting access to Google’s ongoing Carbon language project. In between those times, I’ve played with Kali-Linux a bit, but nothing serious. So yes in effect, I have very little experience.

That said - from what I’d gathered via the job description and the interview itself, while it was a desirable trait, it wasn’t a large portion of the job. Meaning I had time to learn what I needed. At my fingertips is access to nearly the entire sum of human knowledge, and I am very good at learning things quickly - especially when a situation dictates that I do so. Additionally, I have personal friends who work with Linux in professional environments on a daily basis who typically never mind answering my questions, despite ragging on me occasionally.

Essentially - the tools are there for me, and I’ve already been exposed. But was denied. Since then the job has been reposted twice that I know of, bringing the total to four times of having been posted since I’ve come across it initially.

So I emailed them and asked for a reconsideration. I don’t know if I’ll get a response, but we’ll see. If they hired me, they’d know I’m good for it.

What I’ve done to fill my time

Apart from applying for jobs, I’m now working on a game. I usually try to find projects like this to fill time and keep my mind off this bullshit, so when Max approached me about developing a game - it was a no brainer.

In the end, it’s a win for me resume wise. The project requires extensive coding knowledge, project management, and teamwork. Given that we’re a small team - we’re wearing a lot of hats to fulfill different goals.

But to be honest it’s a lot of fun being able to work with a team again, especially for game development.

About the game

It’s a 2D Platformer. We decided it would probably be easier to work on a platformer, there’s less bits and pieces to work with verses something like a 3D game. The math is easier too.

The Engine

Unity. UnityEngine makes things really nice and streamlined, and it’s easier to have an engine on hand than to build one. Unity has a learning curve, btu once you get over that hump - it’s easy going. The only issue from there is Git commits and CI/CD (that I’ve encountered, but it seems to be an issue with .gitignore.)

Premise

Without getting too much into it, the idea will be to have the player make decisions the affect gameplay / overall story-outcome throughout the playthrough, on top of regular 2D combat. Think of a mish-mash of Detroit: Become Human & Mario or Celeste.

I’m not entirely experienced with platformers, in-fact I’m terrible at them. I have a few, such as Celeste - but have never completed it. But I like the way they play. They’re fun, cute, and have a nice feel. It’ll be fun to work on.

Name

Yeah I dunno

Overall this is in a huge pre-dev phase. Max, Alex, and I have done a bit of coding, narrative team have done some writing, and we have some designs down. But overall we’re very pre-dev. But taking it slow is the plan.

It’ll be the 16th soon

which means it’s gonna be the anniversary (4 years I think?) of the day I had my first (noticed) seizure, and soon after diagnosed with epilepsy, specifically: “Intractable grand mal epilepsy (HCC)” - whatever that means.

Essentially I have the super floppy seizures that you always see in media/tv, people make fun of all the time. That’s my disability. But - according to one of my many many many doctors, grand mal (the floppy one) seizures are actually the more rare ones, especially given that I didn’t suffer any type of cerebral-spinal trauma that could’ve been a direct cause-effect. It was weird that I didn’t have it from childhood, and that it showed up in adulthood. But hey, weird stuff happens.

Ever since then it’s been the rounds of hospitalizations, MRIs, multiple EEGs, monitoring, etc. I couldn’t drive for the longest time simply because I couldn’t stop floppin’. It all lead to me finally being on 10 pills a day to simply not flop. Crazy.

Speaking of pills

I’m actually on more than 10 pills a day. I take 10 pills to prevent seizures. However, since coming out and finally starting HRT, I now take an additional 4 a day.

6mg estrogen
1x something grams of progesterone
200mg spirolactone

…and damn it’s a lot. That’s 8 pills in a morning, two of which are dissolved under my tongue, followed up by my evening pills which are another 8, because I only take progesterone at night (either rectally or orally, depending on how I feel.)

It’s a lot, but I’m great at remembering them. Four years of practice I guess + the titty incentive

Basically, I’m a woman. Always have been. Fuck you if you think otherwise tbh, cause someone 10x smarter than you or I is here to explain science.

And here’s some more, from the DIY HRT wiki (I don’t personally DIY, but it’s sound info and is a mirror of information that was provided to me from the doctors in charge of my transition care)

image of effects from diy-hrt

For the weirdos who think we have an advantage in sports

first of all. Lmfao. Not that I personally have a vested interest in sports. Anyone will tell you that I’ve never truly enjoyed playing any kind of sports, not long term. It’s not my thing. I like video games and other stuff. I don’t like doing stuff and getting dirty. Hiking is fine, that’s cool, until it isn’t.

But I’ve never been strong or fast. The sport that I did the best in was archery, which required less strength and more form. In fact if you’re using your muscles you’re probably doing it wrong.

SO. I’ve been weak all my life, and I’m sure if testing was done, it would be noticed “Hey - she has lower testosterone”.

If it wasn’t before, it certainly is now. And I’m definitely weak as fuck. I struggle picking up anything over 10 pounds. It’s actually rather pitiful. Am I displeased with this? Absolutely not. I’m just gonna have to rely on muscular enby partner to pick up and move things, and hopefully my boyfriend too.

Seriously, pick things up and move it over there. But not there, there. Now - pick me up and move me :3

But to back all that up, here’s a study. I don’t think it’s going to matter to people though. People will read into that 6% and see decent swimmer and think, “Well - there you have it. She couldn’t do well in men’s competitions, so she decided to become a woman for the advantage. She’s that 6%!”

There’s a lot I could say about Lia Thomas, such as the undeniable fact that she was a top swimmer in men’s rankings prior to starting hormone therapy. In her sophomore year she was #2 in the Ivy League’s men’s 500, 1000, and 1650. It was only until she began HRT that she fell in national rankings.

Link to Lia’s Freestyle times in 2017-18
Link to the USA Swimming website. Do the research yourself if you don’t believe me. Search for her name.

The claim that she had an advantage is ignorance at best, and at worst an intentional lie. So fuck off already.

Personal things.

These are just some personal things. I’ve been on my period apparently (Yeah that happens! We just don’t bleed. But we get everything else) and I’ve been kinda ~ out of it?

In between nausea and stomach pains, I’ve been feeling really depressed. My overall job situation doesn’t help it. But there’s always that little thing. I especially have been taking things way too personally lately. Small comments here and there that just make me feel sad. I’ll paraphrase this one that I got recently from a guy, “I’d be gay for you…” like uh. What? I’m a woman. It’s literally the straightest thing to be attracted to a woman as a guy.

Stuff like that just really kills my self-esteem.

I know I’m terminally on-twitter, but I’m not like the girls on there that repeat the:

It’s gay if a woman has sex with me.

It’s gay if a man has sex with me - It’s just gay if you have sex with me

like… no. Maybe I’m just feeling weird about it because of mental state at the moment. But it’s really gut wrenching.

I just hate people viewing me as some masquerade, a femboy, a boy turned girl. That’s not what I am. I never have been. I just have something a little different, but I still want to be treated the same. Why is that so hard? I don’t want to feel used. A girl can only dream, I guess.

I’m starting to get a headache and feel like crying again, so I think I’ll end it here. Speaking of headache:

This is one of my favorite songs.

One last thing

I wanted to do a shoutout to Kate. I’m so proud of her. She’s got a lot going on in her life right now, but it seems like things are really turning out for the better and she’s met some really special people.

I suspect that she won’t need me to tutor her regarding programming in the future, given that one of these special souls is well-versed in that area.

I’m honestly so happy for her but honestly envious. She’s meeting the kind of people I wish I’d met at her age. Kate is such a kind and wonderful person, she deserves the world.

Always be yourself Kate, don’t let anyone take that away from you. I know things have been hard for you. I’m rooting for you. <3

Dough Mayne

Accessibility in Games