1am
It’s currently 1:16 in the morning. I can’t sleep, my thoughts won’t let me. I’m not sure if I’m even tired. This happens often, though to varying degrees. Perhaps I lay in bed and toss and turn until I finally lay awake - staring at the ceiling. Other times I occupy my mind with objects of desire until I drift off, yet still these thoughts linger; eventually they stir me in the early hours of the morning and force me to start my day, much to my reluctance.
My mind is entwined with thoughts of depression and anxiety - the thought of giving in, a final page. But also thoughts of love and longing, desire and need to love and be loved. I journey for a sense of fulfillment but I’m unsure of whether I will achieve it or not. Will all of my actions be in vain?
In many ways I feel that the circumstances will eventually drag me under, but in some way I feel grateful for these circumstances.
Often I find that I am devoting myself to something wholly, the entirety of my being. I typically don’t do things half-way, despite the many times I’ve failed to finish the last page. If find something worthy (rather if I feel that the circumstances have collided in such a way that I am worthy enough) I devote my entire body, flesh, and soul. Perhaps this is alarming. Perhaps I bestow too much. Perhaps I am afraid that I will lose hold of something precious. I myself don’t understand, nor do I believe I ever will.
The lines that litter and criss-cross the body I have are like desolate roads, they lack empathy. When you travel them you feel every bump, yet they echo infinity. I did not ask for them.
My eyes are tired. Not because my body is tired. Not because my mind is tired. Not because this vessel needs or even desires sleep. It is simply due to the continuum. These eyes try to ignore, and grow tired in doing so. The paranoia grows and is continually hard to drown out.
The constant excuse is, “It’s okay. It wont always be this way.” This is not true, it’s no secret.
I cant be alone in my head. I don’t feel like me anymore. I wonder if I’d be able to handle the truth if I told myself.