Slightly annoyed rn
Not for any particular reason or even due to the fact that I’m writing again.
The fucking internet. I don’t know why it fucks up like it does or why it’s fine literally anytime my roommate isn’t home, but holy shit. I just wanna do stuff. In saying this I fully understand and realize that the ISP has prioritized this particular roommates IP, but that said - it’s still insanely annoying.
I think i’m mostly just annoyed by the roommate to be perfectly honest. She’s a nice person but there is so much about her personality that is simply insufferable.
Okay moving on. Before I do, I’m adding the song link that I feel is pertinent to my bullshit herein.
Why am I back
Fuck if I know. It’s honestly bullshit. But I’m bored, therefore I’m here and it’s about to be absolutely no one’s problem as I’m more than certain no one reads this. To be honest, I hope they don’t.
Sure, I could do all this on a local obsidian file - literally never uploading it again. But I enjoy the process (and pain) of GitHub and repositories and other bullshit. I spent waaaay too much time dealing with that this morning. Additionally, I have another issue - graphics driver. Or something like that. Actually as I’m writing this I think I fixed it. Maybe.
The issue I was encountering was image ghosting and screen flickering, specifically it would flicker when viewing certain web pages & apps that have various types of dark mode enabled. The fix I “made” was increasing frame rate/frequency of the monitor, and switch the monitor itself to “Gamer 1”… ha.
Back to the reasoning of my being here. It ultimately comes back to: Cass told me to. And I guess i’ll listen, but we’ll see for how long.
Life Updates
I think the last time I wrote anything on here was when I was doom/depression posting about Pierce, but there’s been a significant amount of events that have transpired between then and now.
Dating:
It’s been an annoying ass “adventure”. I have the emotional state of a 14 year old thanks to HRT and using my adult body to date people, specifically men, in this state of mind has been miserable. Since Pierce, there has been:
- Duncan (Now She/Her)
- Pierce again
- Cass
- Pierce again again.
- Taylor
Obviously, Pierce enjoys fucking with me - but thats neither here nor there. Simply to get it out of the way, I’ll recap those events.
At a certain point when I was dating Duncan - at the very end as I’d began talking to Cass - Pierce made himself known again, sending a shit apology and hoping to “start over”. He further explained that he’d been in a bad state when we first started talking and his whole reasoning for dropping off the face of the earth was so that he could get help, had a stay in some hospital for rehab and other shit.
All that is great and such, I’m happy he decided to get help as I do recall him being very drunk nearly all the time, I’m sure there’s more to the story that I don’t know but I also do not care. In the end, he somehow put me on a chain and I was quickly enamored by him. When he first approached me with his apology, I kind of just decided to be a little off putting and admittedly bitchy, but like in a guarded way. He wanted to go back to square one, but I said no. Just friends.
BUT my dumbass decided to talk to him a few months later. Sent an innocent enough, “Hope you’re doing okay”, and instantly he’s calling me. The voice call was actually… nice? It felt familiar, but quickly turned into flirting - specifically i was the one flirting. He flirted back ofc. At that moment I decided I wanted to keep talking, and maybe go out with him.
But the story repeated itself, with me learning absolutely nothing. I’d asked him to take me out on a date, he told me he would soon. I knew in the back of my mind it wouldn’t happen, but he’d been very sweet towards me up to that point - saying things I felt I needed to hear. I was somewhat enamored again. When nothing came of the conversation, I wasn’t all too phased. In fact I felt just as depressed as I had before talking to him again.
Coincidentally, this got me thinking about our last exchange. I’d been rather short with him, as the past two months have been hell on me mentally. I’ve attempted to end my life multiple times in a short span. I actually decided to message him a few minutes ago saying,
For some reason I feel like ought to apologize for being so short in the last few messages, I guess it comes off as being kind of bitchy. To be perfectly honest I’ve been in a very fragile mental state the past several months. I’m on a waitlist for therapy, so theres that I suppose. Anyway - sorry for being a bitch.
I’m insanely self-sabotaging. It’s fine though, it seems like I practically do this shit for fun. I’ve set the bar so low for myself that I trip over it every time I get up.
I don’t know what his response will be and honestly I’m not sure that I care anymore. Moving forward from this…
Other people I’ve dated
We’ll start in chronological order.
Duncan We started dating around May. Honestly everything about her was amazing. She was an officer in the Navy and spent a lot of her time working. Nevertheless, she made time for me- whether it be texts, calls, or a date. Some of the dates would be special, sometimes it would just be us on the couch, and others it would be going to random events with her coworkers.
It was a nice enough relationship, and if I were able to handle a less involved relationship it would have been perfect. I’d have continued dating her through November before she left for San Diego. But it’s never that simple, is it? I quickly got feelings for her. She treated me better than anyone before her and saw me as human. In fact I constantly recall one exchange when her mother was visiting for mothers day.
Me
Also happy mothers day to your mom! (From the random tranny you’ve been fucking that she absolutely doesn’t know exists lmao.)
Duncan
Great i’ll show her this text right now.
Me
lmaoo nooo. You won’t
some humorous discourse following, and then she said
And you’re not a “random tranny” just because you prestige classed to pretty woman. I know you know I don’t think of you like that. I think you deserve a little more credit. You’re a sweet person that I can be vulnerable with … I just want to make sure you know that I have no interest in teaming up with your self-deprecation, but for what it’s worth I thought what you said was pretty funny.
That exchange made me feel so many things. Simply being treated like a person was nice. All said though, I did end up breaking up with her not long after being with Cassie. At some point I’d come to realize that while I love her with all my heart, she didn’t feel the same way. She couldn’t. And that hurt - a lot. Once I started dating Cass and got to see what a real and normal relationship was like, I knew I wouldn’t be able to see Duncan anymore. It hurt too much. I still love her of course. Duncan is an amazing person and I hope with my whole being that she finds someone who loves her as much or more than I do, and I hope she reaches a place where she can reciprocate those feelings.
–
Cassie
This one had an… interesting start. I know all the details and can recall them very well, from the fuck up I had when she initially tried to match, to spending several days finding her again - only to get COVID a day after we started talking.
We ended up talking daily during that two week span, often times facetiming or voice chatting - we had a few halo dates during that period. It was nice, but there was of course a lot of tension that built up over that span - not necessarily sexual tension, but certainly an ever growing desire to see each other as soon as possible. Multiple times she offered to come over and play nurse, simply to see me. And then after the first date, she tried to end the relationship then and there lol.
At the time, it hadn’t quite hit me. I likely had gotten used to it by that point, so it was business as usual. It hurt, but it never quite set in. Cass’ issue was that I’m poly, initially she seemed okay with it - but something must’ve hit her hard following the first date, some type of hesitation she couldn’t get out of her head. Which, of course, I understand hesitating due to my circumstances. I didn’t blame her and had no desire to make her hurt because I date others. So we agreed to stay friends, which was very different given past experiences. I wasn’t used to it. But the whole ordeal of losing something I’d only just got hadn’t quite set in. Had it remained as such, I likely would have stopped dating altogether.
Buuut, a day or so later - she started to back track a bit, and wasn’t very subtle about it. I remember being hesitant and confused. I wasn’t really sure how to process what was being said and more confused at the sudden turn around. Looking back on it, theres absolutely no way we would have been able to stay “just friends”. In retrospect I believe that at some point we would have admitted our feelings and went forward with it, but it would have been very weird at the time. Another possibility is maintaining the romantic distance which likely would have led to some amount of tension and eventually would have resulted in us not being able to maintain the friendship due to the feelings that pre-exist.
It took about two days to get to a full turnaround, with me being confused as ever. But we decided to stick with it, for better or worse. I contemplated turning down the “start back where we left off” thing. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to deal with it longterm and was having false regrets. Apart from simply wanting her to be happy, I was also afraid of getting hurt. It’s hard to turn off feelings for someone, which makes breakups insanely hard for me.
Nowadays (With Cass)
It’s officially been 6 months and there hasn’t been any signs of true issues. In fact, I proposed to her with a fancy and relatively expensive ring last month ((i’d been looking at this one for a while and the moment it went on sale I jumped on it.)) She’s also moving in next month, but has essentially lived here for a month or so already and has a key now.
Things have gone very well, better than I could have ever hoped for. It feels like a dream that I hope never ends.
Other people and Misc. Things
I recently began talking with a rather handsome trans-dude, Taylor. He’s insanely sweet and funny, it also seems like we’ve hit it off pretty well. We haven’t had any in-person dates which scares me a little and reminds me of the situationship I had with Pierce. I hope it doesn’t turn out like that. There isn’t very much to report on that front as of now, but hopefully more in the future.
As for the rest of my life, I’ve gotten significantly more depressed over the past few months which is odd, as I’ve felt happier in most ways. At this point I don’t know what it all comes back to, just that i’ve never been more suicidal nor self-hating than now. It’s been exactly 1 month and 7 days since my last suicide attempt, one which nearly succeeded. It’s never been quite as close as that day. I truly wanted it and prepared myself for it in every way I know how: Plenty of painkillers and alcohol to thin my blood, I didn’t take spiro the night before or day of. I wrote my note, and settled into my desired deathbed.
Obviously it failed, but it was close. I’ve never in my life seen that much blood come from my body and the cuts stayed open for a week, bleeding through every bit of gauze, sweatshirts, all of it. My pillow and jacket are stained with blood. The following week I had to take iron supplements due to all of the blood loss and how weak I felt. Interestingly, I fainted a few times and became extremely dizzy/lightheaded (to the point puked several times that night). It seemed to be a light form of hypovolemic shock.
That is seemingly in the past now. All that remains, apart from the familiar desire, are the signs on my body.
Thanks to both Mia & Cass, I now have insurance and can take the steps to getting help. I’ve taken a few already via emailing several therapists, of which I’m now on a waitlist to see one. If I don’t get into therapy soon, I do feel as though I may need to admit myself. The chance of that happening is fairly high now.
Currently the only method that has stopped me from continuing that habit is dissociation and the new hobby I took up, tattooing. I’ve almost exclusively been tattooing myself - I’ve found that it’s a better way of harming myself - something that feels slightly more productive. I’d also hate to fuck up the blackout sleeve I’ve been working on.
Well a good amount of this must be a depressive read.
But I’m happy that I’ve gotten most of it out. I’m sure I’ll look back on this and find that it was helpful. But for now, I’m going to go nap - I’ve been up since 3am with it being 11:10am now. I also haven’t ate for some time. But I’m not too worried about that right now.
Hopefully I continue this.