Welcome to the New Year!
Well I sure have been quiet in this part of my world for quite some time. While I have been writing still (more on that later), I’ve not truly touched this blog. There have of course been times that I’ve opened it for some simple rants or to test things, but there has not been many updates since 2023.
In reference to rant posts, I’ve cleaned a few of the recent ones as they’ve been somewhat depressing. While this blog serves the singular purpose of allowing me a medium to share my personal thoughts and emotions on the various events in my life, looking back on some of those posts sours my mouth a bit. In reality, things are going quite well lately despite a few nasty breakups and continued issues finding a job.
With all that said, we’ll run through it all in bite sized pieces.
Mental
It would be impossible to speak on the positives if I did not address this first. The end of 2023 and beginning of 2024 was a very hard time for me, in fact I found myself being admitted for psych monitoring around April. I’ve had a difficult time dealing with my mental health for a long time, and late 2022 acted as an accelerant for my mental deterioration.
However, through the support and love of my partners (but primarily therapy), I’m in a far better mental state. I finally sought the help I so desperately needed and it was life-saving. Literally. I have my days of course, as would anyone else. The habits I developed are very hard to break. At the first sign of trouble those dangerous coping mechanisms tend to whisper to me from the depths of my mind offering momentary reprieve, yet I’ve learned not to give in to that temptation.
All-in-all, I’m very happy. I’m adjusting and fixing my life.
Relationships
For my dedicated long-time readers (Cocoa, my dog. That’s it), most will remember that I am polyamorous. For those unfamiliar:
the practice or condition of participating simultaneously in more than one serious romantic or sexual relationship with the knowledge and consent of all partners.
Source: Dictionary.com
Polyamory has been my relationship style since early 2022 and while isn’t always easy, it’s very rewarding. A relationship(s) such as mine takes a lot of communication and balancing, more-so than a standard monogamous relationship.
Given that I have epilepsy and have been unable to drive or truly have much agency over my life, I’ve tended to use dating as a form of social interaction. With that said, dating has also been something that I’ve engaged in as a way to further explore my gender identity and sexual orientation. Having the freedom to do explore those facets of my life has been refreshing. More often than not, the people I’ve met and the dates I’ve gone on have not turned into long term situations. There are rare exceptions, whether those exceptions were healthy is still up for debate.
As of now I have three partners, which I’ll breakdown briefly.
Finn and I have been together well over a decade by this point and are actually coming up on our anniversary, while Nic and Rose are my newest partners. Rose and I met around February last year, give or take a month. We talked on and off for a while before we officially began dating on May 4th (Star Wars day) and she moved in with us a few months afterwards. With Nic, we met on Hinge in late July, having started the conversation by discussing brain worms. Literally. Nic is a very funny and loving man, and I’m quite smitten with him. All of my partners are amazing people that constantly shed light into my world. Except when they set dirty dishes on my desk. They’re testing my sanity in those very frequent situations.
The remainder of the month is going to be fairly busy, towards the end of January Nic and I will be taking a trip. The plan is to do some hiking and camping for a few days, head towards Louisiana to spend time with his out-of-state family, and we’re even stopping by to pay respects at my grandmother’s grave on the way. Theoretically the plans are solid and it sounds like a blast, however I personally believe Nic vastly underestimates how cold the middle of the woods can get at night, specifically in January. But – onwards to adventure, right?
It will also be Finn’s birthday on Feb. 1st, which will be a few days after I return from travelling with Nic. I’ve spent some relatively extensive time planning Finn’s birthday out with Rose and am truly looking forward to it – especially since I’ve gotten Finn a new wedding band and custom ring box.
Lycoris Radiata
Earlier in this blog post I mentioned that while I haven’t kept up with blog posts, I have been writing still. To expand on this – it’s a book. I’ve been writing a book. Technically speaking, this won’t be the first book I’ve written, however it will be the first longform content I’ve written in my adult life. My genre of choice is fiction, but not just any fiction – smutty romance fiction. Sorry, mom.
I’m very much so in the early stages of writing. While I have written a few chapters, most of what consumes my time in this project is research and writing various notes that (in theory) steer my creativity in the right direction. I’m drawing inspiration from authors such as Sally Rooney and Alice Feeney, but particularly Rooney’s work in Beautiful World, Where Are You. Rooney’s work is simply captivating, cover to cover. The way in which she sets scenes and conveys emotion is breathtaking. Additionally, she makes me feel inadequate as a person – given her success while only being a few years older than me.
Getting back on track to my writing, the project name is currently Lycoris Radiata – the Red Spider Lily, or Corpse Flower. In media the Corpse Flower tends to symbolize death or separation. The flower is typically planted at graves both for ceremonial reasons and to deter animals and other critters, as the flower is highly poisonous. The Corpse Flower’s folklore and history have captivated me for years and the flower is often used as a plot device in an anime to foreshadow death. The flower also has significance in Buddhism:
The connection of the flower to Buddhism is more than just the coincidence of it blooming during the celebration of Ohigan. One of the few names not associated with death, the flower is also called Manjushage (曼殊沙華), which comes from Buddhist scriptures. The Manjushage is a heavenly flower that doesn’t exist among us, but the red spider lily was planted by monks to represent it and so associated with Buddhist temples. There are also white spider lilies, which tend to more commonly be known as Manjushage.
‘Higan’ has a further meaning than just the holiday to honor ancestors. In the Buddhist Heart Sutra, higan means ‘the other shore’, referring to the mythical Sanzu River. Spirits cross this river to reach enlightenment so it’s often seen as symbolic of crossing over into death. Spider lilies grow along the banks of the Sanzu River and greet the newly departed spirits.
In another Buddhist text, the Lotus Sutra, Diyu is the realm of the dead, or hell, and red spider lilies are said to grow there, marking a path to guide spirits to reincarnation. Yet another name for the lilies are ‘hell flowers’.
Source: Kelly Brenner, Metro Field Guide
While I’ve not quite settled on a name for the book, Lycoris Radiata is certainly in the running and is the temporary project name as I feel it is a name befitting the themes of my writing. Speaking of, a brief synopsis based on what is currently written (and what is brewing in my head) is in order:
Anna’s mistakes shape her future. She is an emotional creature who longs for connection, desire, and love. Basic human needs, things we all want. She is as the delicate flower blooming in season, dying in the next. An endless cycle of death and rebirth. She desires to know if there’s more to life than simply existing and longs for the one who will answer that question. Anna steps outside, the harsh light of day hurting her eyes – reminding her that she is alive.
In writing this book, I am allowing some of my experiences to influence the direction. In particular, relationships. This book’s themes focus heavily on the complexities of romance, friendship, and the struggles of mental health that influence everyday choices and perceptions. I’m very excited to be writing this, rather to be writing at all. It will be quite some time before it will ever be ready for even editing, much less for eyes to be laid upon pages. Until then, I shall write.
Final words
There isn’t much left for me to write about at the moment. While I could write about job prospects or a recent nasty breakup, I will spare my audience (Cocoa). I think I’ve spent enough time airing the dirty laundry of my relationships in a “Woe is me!” fashion, and with jobs – there isn’t much to talk about there.
So thank you for reading! And I shall leave a music link, as always.