This Early July
It’s been a few days since I’ve last wrote and posted anything. I wish that I could say I was busy, but that would simply be a lie. If I were to explain how I’ve felt lately I might liken it to a masquerade, melancholia, sorrow, tired; simply empty.
I no longer can afford my unhealthy methods of coping - the blades were either broken long ago or lost. Cigarettes cost more than they ever have. I have no alcohol. Video games, friends, and my partner don’t even offer an escape. I know I’m in a better place now than I was in July 2019. I can still taste the cold barrel, and the powder residue that coated it. I still remember the shouting, the kicking, and most of all the crying late at night.
But yet I still have these days. Will it ever get better? I don’t need thoughts and prayers, or empty promises. I need some kind of assurances. I wish I could rip my heart out and my conscious along with it. I’m falling apart.
Artist: Death & Milk
Regardless of my mental stability…
I’m doing alright. I’ve absolutely been crushing my Kotlin class.
I’ve enjoyed android programming. It’s been a refreshing change from the older / legacy code-esque work I’ve done the past several years.
Of course I have to figure out a final project, that isn’t one I’ve particularly put much thought in lately. My primary concern in the “software” world here lately has been creating this blog, writing another website, updating my portfolio, and trying to get a job.
On that last note - it’s of course not been fruitful.
We’re looking for someone who has a little more professional experience!
Gotcha, no problem! But why are you asking for prior professional experience on a Jr. / entry level / early career level job? Also why am I subjected to your code test prior to you telling me this? Also why are you asking me to reverse a binary tree or duplicate singly linked lists for DevOps & Frontend?
I’m just at a loss as to what to do. My partner’s dad calls them every weekend to yell at them about what a loser I am, rather than call me - he has my number. I wish he’d call me, simply so I could tell him off. He’s also in the field however he’s a sys admin who had everything virtually handed to him from the start. I absolutely hate people who try to act like they know what I’m going through and tell me
It’ll be okay
Just get a job
Update your portfolio / resume often
Make sure to talk about group projects
or any of the other various things i’ve already done. I know this shit already. I’ve been doing it for two years. I’ve been close to getting four jobs.
I’ve been through private consulting companies, big pharmacy/government contracting companies, Bungie Studios, and so many other places.
These places consider me, but I just don’t make the cut. So I keep working at this.
But this fucking sucks, and it hurts.
In other news.
We’re going to test run this RSS feed bot to see how it works. None of the other avenues I’ve ran through have actually worked - the webhook I made ran out of requests far too quickly, even when increasing the daily checking to 15 hours. (Kinda ridiculous IMO.)
We’re gonna test out MonitoRSS, a discord RSS feed bot and see how that goes for updating people on new posts.
Very special shoutout to Kate for reading my blog by the way! I didn’t really expect others to actually read this - and I really appreciate her for checking it out. It means a lot to me. <3
America. What the fuck.
Systematically, you take my rights away, you take the rights away of women who can bear children, you’re attempting to take away my right to love men and women and the rights of my friends that love other men.
But when it comes to your stupid fucking guns - a line is drawn in the sand. Not even a mass shooting on your mostly widely celebrated nationalist holiday is a wakeup call.
It’s not even just the Republicans at this point, it’s Democrats too. This country is circling the drain, and after every horrific event it’s nothing but:
What a horrible tragedy. Vote! (…and by extension, we need campaign money!)
We did. You promised X, you even told us you’d do Y, and there would be a chance Z would happen. Yet here we are.
Our leaders have had so many chances to codify our basic rights, yet what have they done? Nothing.
What will it take for us to have lasting change.
Go Fund Me went from “Help me build my funky art project” to “Keep me from being homeless while I undergo stage 4 cancer without insurance” and “help pay for cousin’s funeral costs, his parents didn’t budget for his kindergarten shooting”
— Dr. Thrasher (@thrasherxy) July 5, 2022
This is fucked up beyond words.
What even does America value? I truly don’t know anymore.
I’m so scared for our future as a society.
A different shade of blue
To end this sorrow filled post, I wanted to share my Spotify playlist from this past week. More than a few of these have been some tear jerkers.
Headache - Rigby
So don’t say that I’m not like the others,
‘Cause I know that I’m so much worse
If you’re a giving person and open to supporting me in some way or fashion, doing so through Ko-fi is a great way. Here’s what you’d be contributing to:
- My mental health (You’d be giving me a reason to keep making these posts, and getting my feelings out; moving forward)
- My continued transition (FFS, Bottom surgery, Laser, Medication - I don’t have insurance.)
- Epilepsy medication, so I don’t die
- Coffee.
In any case, thank you for reading this. Go out into this world, be confident, be bright, be loving, be genuine - and kick ass. <3