The Anniversary and a Birthday
Today is marks the anniversary of two events. My mother’s birth and the day my life spiraled out of control. This time four years ago I was on an ambulance ride to my local hospital, my family cried. My mother’s birthday had officially been ruined and my life and career plans as well.
In the hour or so that followed, I would proceed to text my supervisor the EMS system I worked at informing him of the situation and that I would need to take some time off - until further notice.
Understood - Hope you get better.
What? I thought to myself. But in the end I was simply a body in their workforce, one person down meant nothing. Further reinforcement of this comes via their lack of contact to me over the following year.
All of my colleagues and friends went on to graduate and generally move on with their lives. Generally speaking the majority of them are all incredibly successful. Meanwhile, this time ever year is spent dwelling on this memory; about what I could’ve done to change the outcome, if anything. How I’ve had to pursue a new career (one which has given me so much grief.)
The following years
were filled with depression, anxiety, and hospital visits. I started a CompSci degree but at the same time was incredibly depress, and still having several seizures. The first doctor I saw incorrectly prescribed me medications and handled my case poorly.
The medication I started increased my depression and anger towards myself and others. My head constantly felt swimmy and I never felt right. I could hardly think straight and at times barely comprehend what someone was saying. I still struggle with this, in-fact.
TW: Domestic violence/Self-harm/Attempted Suicide
Eventually my anger came to a head and I lashed out in a physical fight with my dad. After screaming at each other for several minutes I took my car keys and attempted to run away (I was not able to legally drive due to the amount of seizures I had been having). My dad attempted to stop me, and we brawled in the drive way resulting in me bruising his ribs and I being choked out as my mom screamed for us to stop. Then my depression increased in the following weeks. My parents eventually found out I had been cutting again resulting in more arguments. I holed up in my room at some point in the night and locked the door / wedged it shut. Following this I placed a loaded rifle's barrel in my mouth. I don't remember what happened next.After these events
My parents removed the door to my room, and placed sound-monitoring devices in my room. It was a double effort to ensure that I was not
- Doing anything harmful
- Having a seizure
However the breech of privacy further aided my depression, anxiety, and desires to be alone. I was spiraling, and eventually developed an addictive personality (Both towards tobacco, games, and later alcohol)
Along with this, I severed a lot of friendships that were very dear to me. I was never able to think straight and always seemed to believe that someone had some type of motive.
My Degree
I am currently very close to graduating. I have a few basic education courses needed, such as math, and then I could complete it.
However, due in-part to my increasing depression as well as the increasing frequency of the seizures that I’ve had over the time of my degree, it seems I will be unable to complete it. There was two entire semesters in which I had to drop courses, or outright failed classes due to my failure to simply put forth the effort to exist; or in other cases I was having multiple MRIs, EEGs, and was in the hospital for over a week - in addition to the frequent seizures.
I was barely clinging to life at that point.
Recently
Due to multiple factors including having finally come to terms with myself, and coming out and eventually getting on a decent regimen of epilepsy medication; my mental headspace has improved.
I’ve been able to make more of an effort in all aspects of life, including my studies. I finally got on the right track. But it was apparently too little too late, as I was just informed that I have extended the total time of my degree progress and cannot receive financial aid.
My disappointment is immeasurable, but I no longer have the capacity to feel the way I used to. I’m sad but I have to take it as it comes. The degree isn’t everything. I’m still making efforts.
Hmm.
I guess a lot of this has been me venting. I don’t claim to have had the hardest life, but it truly does suck to have had to reset careers multiple times, as well have had a shitty childhood. But I guess the childhood part might be most everyone. What I truly regret is that this date is forever marred by this trauma.
But that isn’t to say I’m not happy now. I was able to move in with partner in January, which improved my mental health dramatically. Following that I received a new neurologist (unknowingly, apparently my old neuro up and left the practice and didn’t mail me- thanks cunt). My new neuro is an incredible man and has been able to explain things coherently; he actually talks to me like a human being. Additionally, he signed off on my HRT (on his side) without question. It wasn’t a matter of debate. He wanted me to be happy.
So I have a set of HRT doctors and a neurologist who are supporting me and taking care of me through this process. I even have this comment from my latest appointment:
Also while checking all that out I found this:
Moving Forward
I’m just going to keep looking for jobs. I’m about to lose my medical insurance due to not being able to continue school, which puts a lot of this in jeopardy. But I’m really hopeful that I’ll hear back from someone soon.
I’ve put in a lot of work, especially outside the classroom. There is a lot that my school doesn’t teach and I’ve made an effort to learn these things.
I know that I have people supporting me. I don’t want to fail them, but ultimately I don’t to fail myself.
Last two things -
I’m going to disable comments, if possible. A lot of this is just be venting. As much as I appreciate people reading this and offering words of support, sometimes I just want to get things out.
This is stuff I can’t fix. No one can fix it. Nothing is built to last, a lot of my hopes and dreams were simply a jaded infatuation - nothing more. A long time ago I thought that I had to atone for something I’d done, and so I’d call out to God; and yet time and time again - God fell silent. Whether it was a plea for an ending, an escape or for an answer; silence.
Christians spend their whole life standing with god when they’re afraid - their entire lives are spent running. And they still end up with nothing. They count down the days with certainty that they’ll be saved. When you die the only kingdom you’ll see is two foot wide and six foot deep.
No longer will my tongue move for something that will not respond. I want to believe that I was reborn in 2019. My life is in my hands and will not be devoted to an empty throne.
Lastly, here’s a song: