Past ~week & half has been a complete whirlwind of emotions and stuff just hitting me. It’s hard to process everything that has happened to be honest. So lets dive in, bite by bite.

But first - the song!

Boy troubles

Over the past three weeks I was struggling with some stuff regarding my boyfriend. Without getting into specifics, the situation led me to isolating myself from him. For reference: I have several coping methods for dealing with emotions and things that I just don’t like which have included:

(TW: Self-harm) Cutting, Branding, and a lotta self-harm stuff like that. I've done that for years, and it relieves the pain of the emotion temporarily and I focus on something else. No it's not healthy, I know.

Otherwise It’s isolating myself from others and things (i.e., my family, friends, partners, activities.) Also very unhealthy.

Having had no means to partake in self-harm, I opted for isolation. However it mentally tears me down every time - being alone in my mind is not ideal.

Eventually I was urged to come forward with the issues to my boyfriend and based on how the conversation went I thought we would break up. I was scared, hurt, and sad. I had finally found the one guy that treated me well and I gave him everything I had, but now it seemed like I was about to lose it all.

Later that night I worked on dinner, I only remember what I made because of how bad it felt coming back up. I told myself and Mia, “Hey I’ll be okay. I think I got all of my grieving out last week. I’ll be fine :)” but I knew it would be a lie.

Unnecessary Details but relevant Something I feel like us transgirls do too often, especially early on, is become emotionally attached and obsessed with the first / anyone to show us the smallest amount of basic human compassion.

As I was working on dinner I took shot after shot. I lost track after four. I ended the night with a doubleshot of whiskey and a rather inflammatory and drunken DM to boyfriend.

But of course. I haven’t gotten drunk in a while. So I don’t know my limit, not only that - I’m on a lot of medication. I’m not sure what interacted, but I spent significant portion of my night:

  • Crying
  • Retching up dinner for three hours straight
  • Having the worst nightmares of my entire life and then crying some more
  • Dreaming about being broken up with and then crying again
  • Just thinking about how I even got into that position. …I’m sure there’s more I don’t remember.

By the morning

I was exhausted, had only slept in 30m increments, and my entire body & throat ached. To top it off I had a DM from my boyfriend asking if I were okay to talk. I prepared for the worst, I was ready to delete all my DM history, my pictures, and just try to forget. I was already thinking, “Char, it will be hard but don’t cry. Just move on. Go get on tinder or something.” - but nothing I said could really console how I felt.

But we talked. And we cried. We cried. It wasn’t just me, he cried. I’ve never had a man cry over me. Not really. My father cried when I was suicidal and all I wanted was hug from him, but never since - not when he found out about my sexual assault, not when my life was ripped from me and changed forever in 2019, I’ve never seen him cry for his wife or children.

But my boyfriend cried for me. Because he didn’t want to lose me. I’m crying as I type this, he has no idea how special he is to my partner and I.

He truly is special. There are some fucked up men out there and I’ve unfortunately been on the receiving end of it through various means. But this one is special.

Having repaired things,

I unfortunately had to soon after take a trip to see my family. It was my brother’s birthday and mother’s belated. So, 3-hours later I arrive. That weekend honestly sucked.

My family is a Conservative-Christian household, but my mom also practices wicca. I forget exactly how she’s tried to spin it, but in wiccan terms it’s perfectly acceptable and she’s well within Christian practices.

I am of course an atheist, of course if Satan were to exist - well I’d be all about that shit. Sign me up for some Baphomet1 worship & Beelzebussy2 PLEASE.

That all said, during the time I did consider myself a Christian I was very heavily involved in the study of said theology, to the point of learning Hebrew & Greek, being very anal about the particular bible translation I used, and was overall just a conceited prick; but I knew my shit regarding Christian philosophy and practices. When I say that my mother is a complete idiot for believing that she can be a witch and a practicing Southern-Baptist Christian, I believe I can say so from slight position of authority.

The house is half-occult symbolism and half-Christian symbols. And no one seems to find it odd but me. Sidenote- I took a two hour intermission here because I honestly did not want to keep writing about my family. I like to keep them out of mind if possible, but it’s good to air out this baggage.

Over the course of the two days I was there, I was subjected to a fun conversation at dinner that essentially consisted of:

Mom: “Your liberal cousin calls her boyfriend her partner! How unbelievable! Partner! What, we can’t even say boyfriend or girlfriend now? Is she that liberal?”

Then my mother literally asked me, “What do you call Mia?” - to which I panicked. Mia and I are engaged but they’re also non-binary, so I use fiancé and partner interchangeably depending on context.

Me: “My fiancé”

Mom: “And if you weren’t engaged?”

Shit, I could absolutely feel myself getting red in the face being put on the spot like this

“Well it depends, but I suppose I would call them my partner”

I got the most eat shit looks from all around the table

Mom: “Oh come on now, be serious”

Oh I am mom, I absolutely am. I attempted to explain - stating that I’ve got several non-binary friends and being referred to by partner in a relationship is better at avoiding gendered language and roles. But I was quickly cut off and suddenly transpeople were thrust into the conversation out of nowhere

Mom: “This is all ridiculous! If you’ve got testicles, you’re a man!”

…damn - Ignoring the obvious fallacy of that argument, my family is making it painfully obvious I cannot come out to them in anyway, shape, or form. They simply hate me - whether they know it or not.

I wanted nothing more than to come out the day I arrived for a visit. I’m so tired of having to boymode around family. My tits are literally getting to the point that it’s impossible to hide - and yet I have to.

The day after -

Thankfully I would be leaving that day. But not for several hours, and of course the time I was with them had to be filled with QAnon documentaries and my mother’s thoughts on them.

I truly don’t understand how people can go along with any of this, I’m honestly saddened for people like my mother who believe the words that are spewed out of the mouths of QHeads.

- It’s been a few days since then, and I’m receiving constant texts from her still. “You always have a home here” ….not if I must ignore who I am to live there. “Happy Son’s Day” …I’ve never been your son. “The hurricane looks like it will be bad. Come home.” …Absolutely not.

Footnotes from earlier mentioned stuff:

Hurricane / Tropical Storm

So as of right now, so fat-twisty fuck named Ian is trying to piss on the South-East coast of the U.S.

weather tracking image of hurricane location and travel

My mother is doing her damnedest to get me to return to the Upstate, but there realistically is no point.

  1. My car won’t make it. It needs repairs. It will in-fact explode before it crosses the bridge.
  2. Mia is an essential worker, and therefore needs their jeep.
  3. It will be a Trop-Storm by the time it makes landfall in Charleston
  4. I live at the highest point in the city, it does not flood here
  5. If it does flood, I am on the second floor

That all said, we have made our own preparations. Nothing too extreme but we have extra water and we made sure to grab groceries. There is nothing else we realistically can do.

As far as the other citizens of Charleston, well they see the great cow being removed from its pedestal, and as such they know rain is a comin’.

Charleston's coburg cow. The cow has been taken down. The removal of the cow from the sign is a omen for the village to buy many milks and several breads

As with anything, people are buying shelves of bread and gallons of milk. I wonder if they’ll actually drink any of it? Back in 2019 when the COVID lockdowns first began, my mother rushed to the stores to buy as many canned foods and waters as she could. Years later we were still eating canned food, when I moved out she even sent me with some of the cans. Intense panic.

Anywho, I’ve been in hurricanes and Trop-Storms before - a few years ago we drove through a Trop-Storm into Charleston, and then walked through the flooding back to Mia’s apartment; that apartment was in the middle of downtown, which is always hammered and floods constantly, even with light rainfall.

Provided the windows hold up, I’m not too worried.

Nonetheless, here is some info from Charleston Weather. Still isn’t too ominous though. I’m just gonna vibe and eat my almonds.

Now then

Someone cute has requested that I play halo with them

…so I think i’m gonna go do that now.

I’ve written quite enough today to make up for the past week, gotten some stuff off my chest, and talked about this upcoming storm. I’d say I’ve earned some halo time :)

but first water. hydrate urself, or I’ll hydrate u forcefully

Just some footnote stuff

  1. Yeah I know that Baphomet isn’t inherently Satanic, but Christianity likes to label worshipped entity that isn’t the Christian god a false idol and an “An act of heretical idolatry”. Originally Baphomet was a pagan/gnostic deity that the Turks called upon in 1098 during the First Crusade, subsequently the Knight Templar were accused of worshipping, among other allegations including worship of a cat, homosexuality, and errors in belief in accordance to the accepted Christian practice. Baphomet is a hermaphroditic, winged, human figure adorned with numerous esoteric symbols. (Created by French occultist Éliphas Lévi in 1861). Aleister Crowley adopted the usage of Baphomet/the Sabbatic Goat, most notable in his “Gnostic Mass”, and commissioned a statue in 2015 which moves to various places to protest against displays of the Ten Commandments in public spaces. ↩

  2. Beelzebub is a derivative name for a Philistine god, worshiped in the city of Ekron (Mentioned in II Kings 1:1-18). Other names include Ba’al Zebub, Baal (Caananite). In the New Testament, writers identify Beelzebub/Beelzebul as Satan, prince (of the demons). This goes back to my earlier mention of Christianity labeling everything that is not Christian “Heresy” / “Satanic”. Baal was apart of the Levantine deities, of which their are many. The Canaanite religion was primarily polytheistic, much like Greece, Rome, & Egypt (to serve as prime examples). Ba’al simply fell into the category of being one of those deities. Ba’al was the god of fertility, weather, rain, wind, lightning, seasons, war, and sailors. Interestingly enough, Ba’al had equivalents: Zeus, Hadad (Mesopotamian), Teshub (Hurrian), Set & and sometimes Horus (Egypt). ↩

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