Nightmares
I’m not sure what it is that causes me to have such vivid dreams, I suspect it’s all of the medications I’m on. I don’t dream often, fortunately. At least I don’t remember them often if I do, and they don’t cause me panic as often.
But at 4:00 this morning I was hyperventilating in my sleep and experiencing one of the saddest and simultaneously scariest dreams I’ve had in a very long time. So please join me for a bit while we dive into the innermost fucked up thoughts of Charlotte!
As always, music!
Romance is a rather short song, but it’s a nice and simple one with some great guitar and bass lines.
On to the dream
I won’t lie. The start of it was incredibly pleasant. To preface, all day yesterday I’d been thinking about filming a “Coming out Video” - just to have on hand for the future. I was thinking about what I might say, what would be addressed, and how I’d move forward.
So it’s truly no surprise that when I slept and began dreaming, it started with something centered around that. My mother was 100% accepting of me and my relationships. So much so that Jesús and I were going to the lake with her for a day. She was happy, we were happy. Jokes were made about Jesús’ driving, and about how I’d need to stop at target to get a bikini. It was nice to be me in a dream.
But then it weird shifted, and suddenly at that. I found myself in a poorly lit Victorian mansion, wearing a ball gown. I was walking up a spiral stair case as other women who were similarly dressed openly mocked me for how I wore it. I eventually lashed out, only to find that they were ghosts.
When I finally reached the top of the stair case, I was met by a child - and possibly the most disturbing image I’ve ever dreamt in my life. He was a pale child with soulless black eyes that bled darkness as well. His teeth were jagged and gray.
Then he reached out to me, but not with two arms - but four. He had arms that extended from his neck as well as his torso. Over and over, I ran - but he grabbed me and stared at me intensely, and then his mouth moved as if to say something, but I never heard anything.
And I woke up. Mia woke me up, and I cried.
Describing this thing is hard.
So I used Dalle-2 to render a near perfect representation. I’m actually terrified with how closely it resembles what I saw.
I suppose the only difference would be a longer neck, with arms that could extend out of it - as well as the bleeding eyes.
Now that I’ve sufficiently traumatized myself
I’m not quite sure what I’ll be doing today. That left me exhausted.
Mia just informed me that they made friends with a fellow poly/pan person at school, and one of her girlfriends is also trans. The prospect of that is really exciting to me, sometimes I feel out of place here - so potential friends are such a huge thing for me right now.
I’m 25 and literally all I do right now is look at twitter, apply to jobs (then get denied), write this blog, and occasionally code. (I’m purposefully going to leave out the time I spend playing games or watching anime with Jesús and Mia). Meeting another transgirl in the city would be really nice too. Knowing all this makes me feel a little less alone, that’s for sure.
I’m going to leave this off as a very short post. Last post was extra long, so this feels justified. I simply do not have the current mental capacity to keep writing. Happy Monday, you silly fuckers