It’s been a good minute or so I’ve had the desire to sit down and write. Actually, this exact post was filled with 1k + words and was nearly ready to push to the blog, but so much has happened since then that I just… didn’t; I simply hadn’t felt the drive to expand on anything, edit, and at this point - there is more to talk about.

TIME TO TYPE

First, our song

I was recently getting into some of my Classic Charlotte Playlists and stumbled upon this. 2012-2015 was more than a cringe timeline for me regarding music, filled with the oddest of things (Black Veil Brides for instance.) - But this song, among a few others, just gets me.

A few weeks ago, I met some people.

Since moving to a new city in January, I’ve felt rather alone. I have my partner & dog of course, and the precious friends I’ve met online; I eventually even made romantic connections with someone else, but the distance between us is killer. The one thing that remains is: I essentially have no one in this city. I’m alone.

But that changed a few weeks ago when Mia began talking with a classmate, who also happens to be poly; moreover they’re dating two lovely transfem partners. For me- this was like finding buried treasure.

We finally got to meet,

and it was everything I’ve ever wanted. I got to talk with people who share my experiences in so many ways. I was finally able to share true joy with someone outside of my romantic circle.

By the end of our several hours of being there, I had been encouraged with one thing: “Coming out to people, like your family, isn’t easy. But often times - people surprise you with how they react, and how they learn.”

And that gave me the strength.

And so I decided to come out to my Mom the following week.

It was… a hard conversation.

“Are you sure you aren’t gay?”

…it was never about a sexual preference - but I do like women, and I’m a woman. But I also like men now… but only one guy.

“But there were never any signs… And I gave you multiple toys to play with as a kid. You always chose army men.”

Epilepsy took memories from me, but brought so many back - along with their feelings. I know how I felt pre-pubescent, during puberty, and after. I know what I thought. I remember clearly know, what I thought as my genitals grew in ways I didn’t like; how unnatural it felt to me. I remember tucking without even realizing I was doing it.

I remember a lot of things. But ultimately, I’m the same person. I’m still the same child who sat in the floor as my dad showed me how to play GoldenEye 007 on the PlayStation 2, or StarWars Battlefront, or sat there as he showed me how to play Battlefield on the computer. I still do these things. I’ve played all of the Halo’s, nearly all of the Call of Duty’s, Battlefield, I play Arma. But I also love games that make me cry like Celeste, Stray, Detroit: Become Human, or Tell Me Why.

I remember being told that I couldn’t go watch the Twilight movie with my mom in theatre, as it was a girls movie - and she was going on a girls date; and how much it made me cry that she was telling me that I couldn’t go because, “You’re not a girl.” (The Twilight saga is terrible, but I wanted to go on girls date with my mom too. I wanted to have that with her. I needed it.)

As much as I love my Star Wars movies and the like, I cry over movies like A Whisker Away or Vampire in the Garden.

I remember a lot. I remember coming to realize who I am, and denying that part of myself. Hating my actions until then. And hiding it. I did everything I could to squash it and hide it. I remember so. Damn. Much. It hurts.

***“But I went through so much effort and thought in choosing your name… (deadname)… it means (religious meaning, my brothers and I all had biblical names)…”

I know. But I don’t want to be (deadname.) I’m Charlotte. I’m so very happy as Charlotte. When people call me Charlotte, as certain people have for two years - and most everyone has for a year now in Charleston, it feels natural. I’m Charlotte Jane Childers. And it makes me happy to write it, to sign it, to hear it, and to see it. I can’t imagine being anyone else.

Upon hearing Jane, which was my Grandmother (Maw-Maw)’s name, it seemed as though a switch had been flipped. She seemed to have suddenly understood.

From there…

The conversation shifted to her needed time to come to terms with this, as well as requesting that I wait to tell my brothers until after the holidays - and only the older two. This was less than ideal, but I will work with it for now. I sent a few pictures of myself to show her who I am and found that she’s somewhat jealous of my makeup skills. (I’ve only been doing it for ~two years!)

Over and over my mother said she would walk this path with me, no matter how I might identify; she just wants me. So I want to believe her. I just need her to be supportive, and truly try.

A week or so later

Mia and I went to the county fair with the friends I’d mentioned earlier, and I’d taken several pictures of myself and Mia, amongst other things.

I thought it might be a good idea to send a few of them to my mom, thinking she might want to see what we were up to lately. Life updates and stuff. This was not the case.

She called me after an hour or so:

“What was the purpose of sending these… pictures… to me? Are you trying to hurt me?”

What…huh? I’m confused…

“No I just wanna know. Why did you send them to me. I told you I’d need time to accept all this, but you’re sending me these…”

I’m so lost. I just sent them to you because I thought you might want updates on my life… like a normal parent. I’m not going to filter or hide who I am because you can’t or won’t accept me.

Back and forth, that’s essentially how the conversation went. I explicitly mentioned how taken aback I was about this. I thought that we’d come to an understanding - or were on the same page the week prior, and now to be hit like this is just… at the time it honestly felt like the biggest stab in the back I’ve gotten in recent years.

She explained to me that the understanding we came to was that I must give them all time, and that I had to agree to wait to even tell two of my brothers. Furthermore, that she spent that whole week in mourning, and crying - and had gotten better this week, but then suddenly received this was felt… hurt? But at the end of the day - I have to meet them halfway in all of this…

My counterargument was:

The things they’re asking of me? This isn’t fucking half-way. They’re requiring that I give and give until there’s nothing left.
1. They’re asking that I be deadnamed for years to come
2. They’re asking that I not present as myself for years to come
3. They’re asking that I not be simply be referred to as “My sister…” or “My daughter…” for years to come.
4. They’re asking that I not act the way I want, be who I am. They want to cage me and throw away the key until they think “It’s the right time”
I have agreed to give them time, yes. But I’m not waiting around forever, and neither are my appearances (i.e., My fucking tits. They’re getting big as is, and I’m 6 months on a proper E-dosage.) Moreover - When everyone finds out who I really am, I will not wait around forever for them to finally get shit right. I’m a patient girl, but I won’t tolerate someone abusing that.
Mourning and crying over this? Think about how my brothers will feel…? What so - this depresses you? And you think me coming out as your daughter and their sister will also hurt my teenage brother’s mental state? GTFO here with that shit. Maybe take them to an actual psychologist for once. And as for me - not having support is the real risk. I’m thankful to be tackling this at an older age as well as having a decent support base in Charleston, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about suicide in the past two years. My brother is cutting himself? That hurts me. But so am I, deeply. I’m branding myself. My thighs are torn to hell.

Throughout that conversation, my mom insisted that I was getting angry, or agitated the whole time.

I wasn’t. One thing I can say for certain is that I wasn’t angry. I felt… defeated. Helpless. Weightless. I was deeply upset, and felt like I was getting whiplash with every word she spoke. I thought we had gotten so far, but somehow we had taken so many steps back.

At the end of the conversation she was crying, and asked of me “(Deadname) - oh I’m sorry, I just used that name, I’m sorry - I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t care what you identify as: boy, girl, nonbinary - I just want you; I don’t want you to stop coming home for holidays.”

I don’t either. I need my mom. I’ve always had her in my life, she’s been my bestfriend for as long as I can remember. That’s why I need her to make an effort. I can’t wait around forever, I need to see the fruits of her effort. She is a Baptist Sunday school teacher. I grew up Baptist and became Presbyterian. My boyfriend is Catholic. We all know what Jesus taught and how he walked on earth. We know what Christians are supposed to do. I just want her to extend Christian love to me. She can do so for her gay friends

While I am no longer a Christian, and consider myself a practical Atheist - I still understand a lot of things from a Christian worldview. I’ve been able to separate myself from it over the years, but I can also put myself in said mindset and learn - in some capacity.

One interesting facet of Christianity and gender identity is Jesus’ teachings on eunuchs, rather - his welcoming of them.

Many years later, Jesus mentions eunuchs in Matthew 19:12, where he notes that there are many kinds of eunuchs, including “eunuchs who have been so from birth,” “eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others,” and “eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (NRSV). While the first group might include intersex people, and the second group people who were castrated by force, Christians have been arguing for centuries about who might be included in that third category. Regardless of whom he was referencing, what we do know is that in this moment, Jesus first of all does not denigrate eunuchs like others in his society may have done, and beyond that he actually lifts eunuchs up as a positive example. The fact that Jesus positively mentions people who are gender-expansive in his own time and place gives hope to many gender-expansive people today.

…

Up to that point, we don’t have a record of eunuchs becoming part of the early Christian church, but in this story in Acts we hear about this Ethiopian eunuch who, after hearing about Jesus, asks Philip “What is to prevent me from being baptized?” (Acts 8:36, NRSV).

Based on the many years I was involved in Christian study, as a Baptist & Presbyterian - someone who tried to become a pastor and counselor. I know that it was always taught that humanity was “Beautifully and wonderfully made.”, additionally predestination teaches that all things happen according to God’s design and perfect plan.

That all said: Assuming the Christian god exists, I am on the path of his design. I am exactly how he wants me to be, and my journey up to this point has meaning. No beliefs are being compromised unless you decide to ignore what Jesus spent his life on earth teaching.

I reiterate, I’m no longer a Christian. I’m a practical atheist - but realistically agnostic. I believe that it’s impossible to prove one way or another that a deity exists, unless the deity chooses to reveal themselves in a meaningful way. What that way might look like - I do not know. For now, I do not worship. I study religions such as Shinto, Islam, Christianity, Satanism, and various other religions or ways of living. But I have no intention of becoming a practitioner.

Charleston Pride 2022

I was able to go to my first pride this past Saturday. Wow wow wow. It was awesome. So many cool people. Local LGBTQ+ artists performing music, Drag performers, so many cool LGBTQ+ booths, good food and drinks. AND BUBBLES! THERE WAS A BUBBLE MACHINE! They had a cute little kids area and pet area.

Suffice to say I got sooo much gay swag. Boeing was out there too but it didn’t quite feel right picking up gay stuff from a war profiteer. I did however make sure to get a flag. We needed a progress flag. It even has intersex on it. I also got an oversized pride shirt, cause oversized pride shirts are cute.

Although we did win a pet related raffle - but when we had won it… we’d already left…. 🙃

That’s virtually everything I have to talk about.

I’m currently waiting to hear back from the Charleston Animal Society on a job offer. If I get said offer, I’ll be working in Cat Sanctuary with over 150+ cats

I’ve not heard back from HR as of yet, so we’ll see where that goes- but its only been a little over a day.

I’m gonna drop an inspirational image for sticking through this post, assuming you did!

Thank you for reading

Nightmares

To Be Thankful