New Guy, Sad Days
Ahhh. Late December… it’s a time where people come together to do stuff & things, usually. I can smell the evergreen so vividly this time of year, so vivid in fact - it’s as if I’m chewing on pine needles… hold on - what the hell? I am
For most people I feel that they would be spending this time with their given family, typically at least. A lot of times this could look like:
- Families gathering for a meal and bonding time (Multiple branches of families)
- Families going on vacation together
- Both
Or who knows what else. For me, I’ve always experienced the juggle of:
I have attended some of my partner’s festivities, now I have to go back to my parent’s place so they don’t get angry that I’m not there.
The balancing act was hard, especially with people who simply refused to give a schedule at times and at other times contributed to family drama (Divorce and estrangement! No wait! New marriage!)
But for me, there is no balancing this year. I won’t be going back to visit anyone. Am I sad? Not necessarily.
But before I go further lets choose a track
I have been vibing pretty hard with Coletta lately. They’re described as ‘Psychedelic Pop Rock’, and holy shit I wish I had some edibles.
Since I last wrote you,
I’ve been incredibly depressed. I won’t lie. Over the past few days I’ve been in better spirits but… Holy shit.
I’m putting this in a spoiler thing - so feel free to skip over it if you don’t wanna read it.
CW: Self Harm and Suicide
I don't truly know where to begin. So much seems to have happened over the past ~4 and it's just starting to hit me in waves. And even then - web of interconnecting shit prior. I think about something from two, three years ago and suddenly it leads me back to when I was thirteen.Smells and sounds, tastes and feelings, even people; they bring me back to that day.
I had my career, I had my path - but I had to change it and now I'm out of time and out of money, and with no one to give me a chance.
I found myself - who I really was - and I began to flourish, feel happy. And now everyone wants to take it away. Everything seems to always be taken from me. Why can't I just keep something?
So yes. I found myself writing my last letter. I found 10 more marks on my thigh, and many more to follow over the week. I found myself crying into sheets, or in a dark bathroom, or silently at my desk. But after that letter it's been so hard to feel. After planning again and again, it's so hard to feel.
I wish I could feel better, do better, be better. I just cant.
-
It’s been hard to cope with. I still feel like shit, but don’t act on it. I don’t know whether I’ve found a new way to mask it or if I’ve gotten happier since then. I really don’t know what it will take to make me truly happy, but I guess I can keep faking until it’s real enough. That worked for a while, I’m sure it’ll work again - at least until I get real help.
I’m not quite sure where to go from here
In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, but I don’t like to continually talk about it. There’s nothing new.
I guess the newest thing I could talk about is my dating life. (If you wanna skip this, don’t care, or otherwise just wanna flame me in comments, skip here)
New guy!
So I recently decided to open up the dating app feeld. (Again, last time I was way too afraid to even like anyone else’s profile…. god if I were on tinder…) But I wanted to give it a real go this time, cause men. Idk.
So here’s the issue: I have three guys just kinda sitting there that I can talk to, but they haven’t dm’d me. I do not like being the first to start a conversation with a dude. With Jesús it was super organic cause we’d known each other for a while and I could immediately be unhinged and flirt in the most ridiculous ways, like the below:
…or out of no where telling him I want to top him, or all of the various and random flirty pictures I sent him. I was soooo aggressive in flirting with him, I’ll never understand how I had that confidence.
JD…
With other guys on dating apps, like JD for instance - I have no confidence. I had already connected with a couple people prior to JD, and waited for them - but had been terrified to message them. I had worked up the courage to message one guy, and was immediately ghosted :P
So with JD, he specifically pinged me - we hadn’t even matched per se. But he looked very cute and I could see by a picture of his that he was a bit of a nerd, so I thought fuck it- why not:
And from there it just spiraled into some… really amazing conversations. He’s got similar interests to me, so we’re able to connect on that - but even more than that, he paid very close attention to my profile (albeit poorly built, this is my first time using a dating app - so I’ve really no idea what to write) and he asked me about them - and seemed to really care.
He seemed to really care about what my Christmas plans were, and was empathetic that I was having trouble with family and had cut them off. I feel like most people would’ve probably ended it at “That sucks.” and started a new conversation.
He tells me good morning and goodnight, and gives me some incredible compliments. I’m… honestly at a loss for words. I know that I’m a bit of an attention whore, but this feels so good. All of it. I don’t know if they’re said to progress his attempts to get into my pants, or if they’re genuine compliments - but I really want to believe it’s the latter.
In either case, he’s been treating this sad, attention starved trans girl very well. I can’t wait to meet him.
Inspiration and stuff!
Might be a skip point too :)
An InspiroBot image, from my website
That’s all for today!
I’m content. I have a pupper with an angy tummy that needs attention every so often, and a boyfriend and little sister that need attention - so I’m headed that way :)