First Post of the Year
It’s been a couple months since I’ve last wrote in this little “diary” of mine. A lot has happened since then, and I think we’ll run through it piece by piece. Typically, writers make their “First of the year” posts much earlier - January perhaps. I’ve not done so, due in part to depression, lack of motivation, and life? Who knows. But it’s here now.
Many people even see the New Year as the beginning of change - they may plan out resolutions and begin working towards new goals. Many have expectations for what their year may entail, what they want out of it. Note: these expectations & goals are usually positive. I’m typically the exact opposite. Nihilistic as it may be - I don’t particularly care to make plans to do X, Y, or Z throughout the year. I find it more comforting to let the good come when it does, and the bad when it does. I cannot change that - I can simply live how I see fit.
And now for the song of the post ~
I got to see Kublai Khan live several years ago, sometime around 2017/2018 and even got to speak to them prior to the show (before a bunch of other people started showing up to the venue). Everyone in the band is incredibly friendly - especially Matt Honeycutt. I fucking miss my hoodie, that shit was soft as fuck.
Work life!
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve talked about anything related to this, but I’ve recently had an amazing opportunity come up.
While I would quite honestly take a job from anyone/anywhere, I’ve always been particularly fond of career path in which I could make a difference in people’s lives - even if miniscule. (The exact reason I wanted to be an EMT in the first place. I wanted to help people.)
I recently applied for a developer position at a trans-led organization that provides peer support for our community (through a variety of means), additionally the organization is a non-profit crisis hotline.
I was pleasantly surprised (and immediately began to cry) when I received an email that read:
Thank you for your patience while we reviewed your application for the Junior Developer role here at (Organization name) I’m (Person’s name) (they/them), and I work on the People & Culture team at (Organization name) I’m excited to share that the hiring committee was impressed with your application, and we humbly invite you to a first motivational screening interview.
Holy. Shit. I’m still emotional thinking about it.
So earlier this week,
I had my phone screening with the IT administrator. They were kind enough to give me questions in advance, and I hope it went well. Either way - I’m stoked. Both of the people who contacted me were incredibly kind, and I’m hopeful I make it to next steps.
Sure, Bungie was and is my dream job. But it didn’t work out - and frankly after seeing all of the shit that’s come out regarding certain people’s treatment of women and trans employee’s, maybe it’s for the best. Busting my ass for a job I may end up hating - one that destroys my entire image of a company - that’s just not worth it.
I’m excited, regardless. It’s one hell of an opportunity.
Medications.
Fuck. Like. Honestly. Fuck.
Being trans & epileptic means I have a lot of medication. Like a lot. Let’s make a review list:
Epilepsy Meds:
- Zonisamide, 100mg capsule, take three (twice daily)
- levetiracetam/keppra, 500mg pill(twice daily )
- lamotrigine/lamictal, originally 150mg (twice daily)
HRT:
- Progesterone, 100mg at bed time
- Spironolactone, 100mg tablet (twice daily)
- Estradiol, 2mg tablet (take two tablets sublingually, twice daily total of 8mg estradiol)
So what is the catch here?
Taking these meds, all of them, is all fine and good until my pharmacy fucks up. They don’t give me a refill - that I’ve requested. This happened with both sets of medication over the end of December into January.
In the case of my HRT - it means fucking up my hormones for a few weeks, and fucking me up emotionally for a little while. But whatever - who gives a shit about that, I’m just at a greater risk of everything. December 8th I nearly killed myself, but whatever!
In the case of my Epilepsy medication - the neurologists refuse to take me off. I’m two years seizure free, but they don’t want to ween me off. That said, when I run out of meds and the pharmacy isn’t returning calls / filling my prescription for weeks it gets scary. I’m quitting the meds cold turkey, and the risk of a potential seizure raises dramatically.
With zonisamide or keppra it’s not such a big deal to “drop off” then get back on suddenly. However, with lamictal - it could fucking kill me. It’s rare, but happens. Not only does the chance for SJS heighten, the chance for inducing a seizure increases.
Around 10% of people starting Lamotrigine can develop a benign rash. However, in rare circumstances, 0.01-0.1% of people can develop a serious, life-threatening rash called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome (SJS)
So what do I have to do in order to prevent that from happening?
Titration over the course of nearly 12. fucking. weeks.
Week 1 & 2: Take ONE 25mg tab once daily.
Week 3 & 4: Take TWO 25mg tabs once daily.
Week 5 & 6: Take FOUR 25mg tabs once daily.
Week 7 & 8: Take FOUR 25mg tabs QAM and take TWO 25mg tabs QPM
Week 9: Take ONE 100 mg tabs twice a day
Week 10: Take ONE 100 mg tab in the morning and ONE and A HALF 100 mg tablets (15mg) in the evening.
Week 11: Take ONE and A HALF 100 mg tablets (150 mg) twice a day
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m on week ~3ish. It fucking sucks. Thanks pharmacy.
Dating life~
Per my last post I’d mentioned I’d been talking to really nice guy. And I have…been? Sort of. We texted nonstop through Christmas and New Years, and then finally the day came - he had free time. He had free time! I dropped everything. We were going on a date :)
JD chose the cutest coffee shop I’ve ever been in, and it was incredibly well picked - as it was transfriendly. Parking was a bitch, but I left early (And nearly wrecked on the way). It was cold that day, colder than I’d expected to be. I got my coffee, and waited at the counter - and he came up behind me, hugged me - and my first thought was, “Wow - your eyes… holy shit your eyes.”
And then we sat there and talked for over an hour, afterwards he walked me to my car. He was taller than me. He gave me another hug - a really warm and nice hug, and he told me how happy he was that we finally got to go out. He wanted to see me again. I really believed him. In a sense, I still do.
We’ve barely talked since then, he says he’s overloaded with work and studying. I know he’s telling the truth - with his type of job and career path, I expect that. But… I want to see him. I want to feel his arms around me again. Maybe I fall for people too easily.
Speaking of falling for people…
A week or so ago I was in a bad headspace. I have been doing everything in my power to maintain my composure and maintain… this
But it’s hard. It was particularly hard that day. It’s been hard on days since. It comes and goes in waves. But, in an unexpected way - someone came to my rescue. Entirely by accident.
It was unexpected, and before I knew it - she fell for me and I for her & her partner. Thus the polycule has expanded +2. It would seem that I’ll be taking a trip to New York this year for several reasons.
Life can be complicated sometimes. It is what it is.
It will be nice to get out of a red state.
Maybe
…just maybe… good things are ahead. Who knows. I sure as fuck don’t. The start of this month has been wild, but in a good way. So we’ll take it from there.
It really has been fucking wild.