The Social Media Problem
Buckle up because this post has no rhyme or reason, it’s based purely on my observations and I don’t necessarily have any science to back up my claims.
Before I get into any anything, lets grab a track:
time for a dive…
Background
I have been in online games & forums since I was 10. Think MySpace, AOL early Xbox, various other forums on obscure websites and flash games. The internet was a much different place. I remember getting an Xbox in 2007, and nearly immediately joining Halo clans. I remember making my Facebook account around 2010, perhaps a little late to the party.
I’ve spent a lot of time online, I sort of had to. Living in the South I’ve been ostracized for how I live - even though for the longest time I tried to conform to everyone’s expectations. The guys in my grade didn’t want to be friends with me as they were afraid of being lumped in with they “They’re gay!” accusations. Girls in my grade wanted nothing to do with me as they couldn’t understand why I took more than a surface level interest in their hobbies, and my mannerisms were simply atypical to them.
To tack onto this I was homeschooled - I and thus spent a lot of time home, and by myself. So I formed my own personality but had no way to gauge social cues, and was incredibly awkward in person. The first I guy I did have any sexual experience with had decided his prep-school friends were cooler than I was and thus wanted nothing to do with me afterwards, I’m sure they were though. I often wonder that - if he could take back that time we had, would he?
But there was always other options.
Online relationships
Playing and talking to people online allows you to be more authentic, at least to a certain extent. It allows you to choose who you want to be. This also has a side effect of being more dishonest than face to face connections, as in real life; you can’t hold things back. You typically don’t have much of a choice in what is disclosed.
2007 was approximately 15 years ago, which is just how long I’ve been playing games such Halo, Destiny, Call of Duty, where I’ve been exposed to large-community style clans. At various points I’ve decided with people to forge a new, a put a new foot forward. I would have been my deadself - what I thought was the real me, what people expected me to be. But that never felt right. It never felt good, or whole.
Over time I tried on a new face - I would “pretend” to be the sister, that I don’t have, and play. Or I would straight up just tell people I’m a girl and not use a mic if possible. It felt good. But the feeling never lasted long, as it always hurt that I felt it necessary to lie about this things. I thought maybe I was doing it for attention, or some other reason. I now know the reason - but at the time I didn’t.
The relationships I made over that period were very precious to me. I met a lot of people, from all kinds of walks of life. Sociologists, avid rock climbers, Army vets (and a very generous one at that - he bought me the entire Halo: Reach DLC so we could keep playing together), programmers on games they couldn’t talk about until after the fact, and so many people in between.
Each person had story to tell, deep conversation, it was a fun time. They could have of course been less than truthful in the stories they presented, that fact always remains. Who knows. But at the end of the day we all had a good time.
Another important distinction
Is that of romantic relationships that can be formed online. It sounds weird, and I’ve always poked fun at them, which is why it absolutely mystifies me to find myself in a polyamorous relationship with four others. (Mia, Jesús, Katherine, and Ariel.) I plan on visiting the latter three later this year, and am very excited to do so.
I’ve seen these relationships work for a few people - the common requirements for it working being effort & communication. Though a key issue that one is missing in these relationships in the physical connection. It’s a very difficult thing to tell your boyfriend or girlfriends how badly you want to kiss them in any particular moment, but be unable to do so.
So the decision then must be are you seriously committed on acted upon those feelings, in some way? Or is this simply an emotional tie, or perhaps fling?
Even within polyamory - wherein I can act upon my desires for physical connection should I feel the need, which I absolutely do; it’s not substitute for someone you have an emotional connection to.
So what’s been my takeaway?
I have met a lot of people I would consider special to me, in some way, over the past 15 years. But the people I consider precious? The people I truly have some manner of emotion for? They number at 10 or less. Otherwise, I’m relatively apathetic. Yes Max - I give you credit to this. But for those 10 or less - they’re worth fighting for, in one way or another.
People spend a lot of time online nowadays, and understandably so. The world is a shitty place. I’ve been in a perpetual downward spiral for the past several years and this is my only escape. So I get it. But this shit sucks too. Online weirdos will lie and spread shit just as much as they might as anyone would in a highschool.
But fuck them, get offline and yes, touch grass. Or alternatively, find a hobby. Start writing, painting perhaps if it’s affordable for you, knitting or crochet. There’s so much shit you can do. Learn an instrument, be the soundcloud artist you’ve always wanted to be.
On a note of mental health
That mostly sums it up. The most annoying thing about this app is taking a screenshot of shit like this and it giving you a pop up: “Congrats on your sobriety!!!” …kindly fuck off.
I’m just so tired of this. I need a break from everything.
I’m also especially tired of my mom emailing me,
Hope you’re well & have had a good week.
I love you, Mom
Please. For fucks sake. Get the hint. This email exists not for you to email me superficial bullshit, but to repair the shit you and your husband broke. If you don’t want to fix it - then stop emailing me.
I want my family. I really do. But not like this.
That’s about all I have really, trying not to fuck up my headspace anymore than it is already.